[INTERVIEW] Single supermom helps others navigate life in Netherlands, Korea

Adopted by a Dutch family when she was less than two years old and now leading a network of half a million single mothers in the Netherlands supported by Queen Maxima, Isra Lee has single mothers in Korea at the center of her heart.

Isra Lee, founder of Single SuperMom, a network of single mothers in the Netherlands, speaks with the Korea JoongAng Daily in Seoul on Dec. 26, 2023. [PARK SANG-MOON]

Adopted by a Dutch family when she was less than two years old and now leading a network of half a million single mothers in the Netherlands supported by Queen Maxima, Isra Lee has single mothers in Korea at the center of her heart.

“I speak with the unwed moms here and it breaks my heart because they don't feel like they are citizens of Korea, they carry a terrible sense of guilt,” Lee told the Korea JoongAng Daily in her recent visit to Seoul.

Having built one of the largest single mothers’ networks in Europe, all by starting a conversation with a few single mothers in her living room, Lee has been trying to do the same with single mothers in Korea.

She quickly realized, however, that many of them face a seemingly insurmountable wall of social stigma — the same that may be driving the continuous baby donations to so-called anonymous baby boxes and the high rate of single motherhood behind the decisions to drop them off for adoption.

“The idea of a blended family doesn’t exist here,” she said, alluding to the ever-strong traditional belief in Korea that a family must consist of a mother and a father, with enough financial stability to support their children’s education. “People think that you put the babies away in a baby box or give them away for adoption and that’s the end. But that is the beginning of life-long pain for these women and children.”

Having experienced life both as Korean Lee Yoo-ri and Dutch Eva Brussaard due to decisions that she didn’t have any say in, Lee knows all too well what it’s like to be left without any choices, a situation that befalls many single mothers.

In Korea there are some 1.49 million single-parent households, accounting for around 6.9 percent of all types of households as of last year, according to the Ministry of Gender Equality and Family.

Of them, around 75 percent were led by single mothers.

The Korean government has been developing welfare programs to assist some of these single-parent households, covering child care support for around half of the single-parent households with children younger than 18 years old, as well as offering training programs for single parents at vocational universities run by the Labor Ministry.

But Lee sees more room for improvement at the grassroots level, especially when it comes to how single parents are viewed and treated by society.

“For instance, there isn’t a single advertisement or campaign ad in the streets of Seoul showing the face of a happy single mother,” she said. “And no single self-help book on single motherhood in the bookstores.”

To hear more from Lee about her vision for bridging single mother networks between the Netherlands and Korea, the Korea JoongAng Daily sat down with her for an interview on Dec. 26, 2023. Excerpts of the interview have been edited for length and clarity.

Q. You have been engaging with several single mother networks in Korea during this visit. What are some of your main impressions? A. What really breaks my heart for single mothers in Korea is their sense of shame and embarrassment. And it begins with how they are not accepted even by those closest to them. The single mothers that I have spoken with have told me about how even their own families will not accept them the way they are, including their mothers. And I always tell them to think of it like the weather. You cannot influence what other people think just like how you cannot influence the weather. You can only influence how you think about yourself. And there are plenty of positive ways to do that, because single parents are already some of the strongest people. Many manage their household 24/7 while maintaining full-time jobs — that’s not something that everyone can do.

I do think there could be more public acknowledgement about single mothers in Korea, and even in the entertainment industry. K-pop artists have so much influence globally, they can perhaps speak more about supporting single motherhood, and maybe there can be more K-movies about single parents.

Your book in Dutch, “Dare to do: 7 Steps to a Happy and Successful Life,” is being used by local municipalities in the Netherlands for single parents. Do you have plans to publish the book here or run any pilot programs? We plan to engage with the Korean government within 2024 to run some exchange programs, as we have been doing with other governments in Europe. The book is a self-help book for single parents, who can go through the steps laid out in the book alone or in a community. Our mission is to support single moms all over the world. But we cannot do it without the support of the governments and leaders. We have been very lucky to be supported by Queen Maxima, who joined us a few years ago in an event to honor and celebrate single mothers on International Women’s Day.

Does your work involve single dads?

In the Netherlands, we provide services for both. But realistically, if you look at the figures, some 96 percent of single parents are women in the Netherlands. Globally, the figure is about 90 percent. So our work tends to naturally be more focused on single mothers.

What are the seven steps you speak about in the book?

It’s really about single mothers finding the time to love themselves again. We have to remember that single mothers did not become single mothers on their own: There is usually a heartbreak, a loss of a partner. The book first asks them to assess their situation, including their psychological well-being, and then asks them what it is that they would like to do for work. Because, ultimately, every single parent should find a job they like to do. Work is the only way to get out of poverty.

The book is being translated into Korean, and we are now looking for publishers here. One of the key steps for single mothers in Korea would be to find a way to finish school, because having a university degree is so important here.

You sit between two worlds — international adoption and single parenthood — that are particularly intertwined in the context of Korea. What has that been like, and how has it impacted your work for single mothers around the world?

My sister and I were adopted, a choice my birth father made without the knowledge of my birth mother. He has since then remarried. I found my birth mother in Korea when I was 20, and I am very thankful and happy to have been in touch with her since.

I think adoption takes a lifetime to understand. But for me, I am 43 years old now, and I look at my life and, yes I had business success, but personally life was very challenging. If I could have had a choice, I would never have left Korea. I would have liked to grow up here with parents who love me because I think that is the most important thing for a person. You cannot buy that love.

So when I became a single mom and I had the opportunity to raise my child, I wanted to do that. My mother never had that chance, but I could make the choice for myself, and I would like to help more women make that choice for themselves. Changing my name from Yoo-ri to Isra was also part of making my own choices.

On adoption, I wrote a book out of a letter I wrote to my birth mother, telling her that it’s O.K., yes, we live in two different worlds, but I carry her always in my heart. I would say my work on adoption is in the past, and single mothers are my future now.

BY ESTHER CHUNG [chung.juhee@joongang.co.kr]