“I Forgot in Order to Survive,” 43 Years after Losing Four Family Members

The empty graves of Gim Geum-hui’s family members in the missing persons zone in the May 18th National Cemetery in Unjeong-dong, Buk-gu in Gwangju-si. Gim lost four family members--her mother, two brothers, and a son--at the time of the May 18 Democratization Movement in 1980 and has yet to identify their whereabouts. Goh Gwi-han

“You have to forget to survive.”

A woman told herself thousands of times for over four decades. She lost four members of her family overnight, and the only thing she received was accusations that she was trying to get her hands on compensation money by selling her family.

Whenever that happened, Gim Geum-hui (70) repeatedly thought about giving everything up. The sorrow in her heart turned into a disease with an unidentified cause, and days of suffering and pain continued. No one in her family ever mentions what happened back then, but they all know that everyone is suffering.

Gim is the family of “missing persons.” Her mother, two younger brothers, and her young son went missing at the time of the May 18 Democratization Movement in 1980. Gim’s family is the only “family” to be recognized as “missing persons” among the 84 people, which the government recognized as missing persons from the May 18 incident. Gim’s mother, Im So-rye (57 at the time), her younger brother Gim Byeong-gyun (23), her youngest brother Gim Byeong-dae (14), and her five-year-old son Bak Gwang-jin all went missing in the spring of 1980.

We met Gim in a village in Muan-gun, Jeollanam-do after she returned home as night fell on May 12. Her disabled husband, Bak Byeong-sik (76), was lying inside the house. Gim supported the family working as a caregiver in the place of her disabled husband.

Gim and her husband have been living in this house since they got married in the mid 1970s. The couple had three children including their eldest son Gwang-jin. They were poor, but back then they were just like any other ordinary family in a farming village.

The couple’s lives began to go awry in May 1980. Gim’s siblings had left their hometown of Muan back then and lived in Byeokje-eup in Goyang-gun, Gyeonggi and in Uijeongbu-si. When Gim’s youngest sister, who worked in a factory, fell ill and died on May 10, Gim’s mother and two brothers came to Muan for the funeral.

After the funeral, her family helped with the farm work at Gim’s house. Then on May 20, they boarded a train for Gwangju at 10:30 a.m. at Sachang Station in Mongtan-myeon, Muan to return to Gyeonggi-do. Gim’s eldest son, Gwang-jin, who was particularly fond of his uncle, joined them. Back then, if a person was to go to Gyeonggi-do or Seoul from Muan, the common way was to ride a train to Gwangju Station and transfer to an express bus at the express bus terminal. Unaware of what had been happening in Gwangju since May 18, Gim boiled some eggs for her departing family.

In the afternoon of May 20, Gim received a call from her family informing her that they had arrived in Gwangju, so Gim figured that they returned safely to Gyeonggi-do. Gim said she just couldn’t believe it when she heard from her family in Gyeonggi-do about ten days later. Her family had still not returned.

Around the time Gim’s family arrived at Gwangju Station, civilian casualties were rising due to the harsh oppression of the special forces unit, which had been deployed according to martial law. The 3rd Special Forces Brigade arrived at Gwangju Station by train on the morning of May 20.

The special forces unit brutally suppressed citizens near Gwangju Station, where Gim’s family is believed to have gotten off, and near the express bus terminal, where they had to go to take the bus, and many citizens were injured and went missing. That night, the 3rd Brigade opened fire at citizens in front of Gwangju Station killing at least four people.

Gim said, “No matter how brutal the soldiers could be, I didn’t think they could kill all four of them at once including my elderly mother and young son.” Gim searched for her family for years. But the hope soon turned to despair making her wish she could just find their bodies.

In 1988, when she applied for recognition of her family as “missing persons,” the people did not believe her. They accused her of trying to get compensation by “selling” her family. Gim said, “I went to the police station and the court to make a missing person’s report, but the employees all asked, ‘How can four of your family members all disappear? How much money do you want to get by selling your brothers?’ and refused to even accept the documents.”

The police began to make frequent visits to her home and village. They forced Gim, her husband and other villagers onto their knees and threatened and cajoled them into saying that Gim’s family never went to Gwangju. Gim said, “Every day was just so tough, I wanted to give up everything.”

When she recalled the day her family disappeared, she suffered headaches for no reason. Her symptoms deteriorated and soon all the hair on the top of her head fell out. The pain, which felt like needles prickling her head, continued for hours. She visited several hospitals, but they could not identify the cause.

Gim said, “Whenever I think of that day, it still hurts so much I feel like I’m going to die. I told myself over and over that I had to erase my memories of that day in order to survive, but it’s not that easy.”

Around that time, her husband began suffering pains in his legs and lower back, preventing him from moving properly. In Gim’s family, May 1980 has become a taboo phrase. Gim’s older sister, who died of cancer a few years ago, also suffered from the psychological trauma all her life.

Gim recently turned seventy and on the wall of her living room, there is a passage written by her family, “May you always be happy and healthy, and spend more and more days with us. Family who loves Gim Geum-hui.”

Gim said she thought of her mother and son more often these days.

She said, “I can’t imagine the bloody tears my mother, who said goodbye to her daughter just ten days before, must have shed as she watched her two sons and grandson fall at the sticks or knives, guns of the soldiers.” She also said, “It pains me to think I could not better care for my son due to our poor circumstances.”

Gim’s family was finally recognized as missing persons in connection to the May 18 movement in 1998, thanks in large part to the villagers who testified to the truth. Gim said, “My last wish is to find the remains even now, set the bones neatly in place, bury them in decent clothes and bow before them.”

The May 18 Memorial Foundation and the May 18 Bereaved Family Association are considering several ways to support Gim and her family. Bak Hyeon-ok, who lost her younger sibling at the time of the May 18 movement said, “My heart still aches, and I only lost one family member. How much Gim’s heart must ache, since she hasn’t been able to find the bodies of four family members.” She added, “We need to find missing persons no matter what and free their families from the pain.”