Mentally ill cousin

Dear Annie: My cousin, "Ruby," lost her job several months ago and has not been able to keep a job since. Ruby is middle-aged and has moderate mental health issues as well as addiction problems (although she is in denial over both).

Several family members have been supporting Ruby financially because she seems to have no interest in supporting herself. She is very stubborn and not agreeable to any solutions we have offered. I personally feel the only way things will change is if she is cut off and has to fend for herself, even if it means her becoming homeless. Other relatives are not ready for this yet.

Are there any programs out there to help someone like Ruby? Is it cruel to cut her off? I`m afraid she will bleed some of our relatives dry if this continues. -- Concerned Cousin

Dear Cousin: If Ruby has mental health issues, she may not be capable of supporting herself. Please don`t throw her out -- the streets are filled with mentally ill homeless people, and that is tragedy enough.

Unless you are one of the relatives who is giving her money, you ought to stay out of the decision about whether or not to continue helping Ruby financially. However, you certainly can suggest that your family members contact the National Alliance on Mental Illness (www.nami.org) at 1-888-999-6264 and ask for assistance.

Dear Annie: I am responding to "A Grieving, Shattered Family," whose grown daughter falsely accused them of childhood sexual abuse after undergoing "repressed memory" hypnosis.

Two years ago, our then-39-year-old daughter underwent hypnosis, age-regression and counseling for "low self-esteem." She then accused us of sexual abuse recurring throughout her childhood. She recounted, in writing, bizarre, depraved acts in painstaking, minute detail -- events that never happened.

I think it is tragic and deplorable that the general public is not aware of the ease with which false memories can be implanted. -- Another Shattered Family

Dear Shattered: These estrangements are so sad, and in some cases, have led to unwarranted prison terms for the accused. Read on for some clarification:

Dear Annie: Before retirement, I was a therapist who did repressed-memory hypnosis. I get frustrated with therapists who do not approach this correctly. Repressed memories should never be presented as accurate memories of facts, but rather as the individual`s (SET ITAL) perception (END ITAL) of facts. There is a world of difference.

We react to situations as we perceive them. Once, when I was working with a child, she kept telling me how her dad yelled at her. I called for a family meeting. During the meeting, the father corrected the child in a very quiet manner. The child turned to me in genuine anguish and cried, "See how he yells at me?" I needed to work on the child`s perception of what was going on.

Repressed memories should be dealt with in the same way. Never, ever should anyone be accused of anything based on these memories. Instead, therapists should use them to work through whatever problems the perceptions are causing the individual. It can lead to some wonderful breakthroughs. -- Been There, Done That