I'm depressed, you're depressed

One of the questions I am often asked is, "Do you ever get depressed?" The person asking me is usually depressed and feels better if I admit I`m in worse shape than he or she is.

Most people I know are depressed at one time or another - even a happy-go-lucky guy like me.

I get depressed over things I have no control over and can`t do anything about.

For example, I get depressed over the price of pills that are supposed to keep me from experiencing depression.

I also get depressed when the doctors on the independent board that`s supposed to tell us which medicines can do more harm than good admit they`re on the drug companies` payrolls - but maintain it`s not a conflict of interest.

I get depressed over the Iraq war, but my psychiatrist friends say if I weren`t depressed over that I would be sick.

And I get the blues when I`m told our intelligence agencies are fighting over each other`s turf - the CIA vs. the FBI, Defense Intelligence against Homeland Security, and so on.

If that isn`t enough to put me into a black pit, there is always the cost of the war and the peace that follows.

Lawyers depress me - not the ones I know, but the ones I don`t. They`re the ones who put a product, such as a TV set or an automobile, under warranty in a contract with writing so small that I can`t read it. For an extra 150 dollars, at point of sale, you can get a real warranty that gives you an opportunity to sue the company, if, when you get home, your toaster doesn`t work.

I go downhill every time I have to deal with an insurance company. Whenever I make a claim, I always get two letters from the company. One letter informs me that, according to the fine print, my policy specifically says I am not entitled to any payment because it does not cover that particular claim.

The second letter, which arrives three weeks later, tells me they`re canceling me because I tried to collect money without reading the fine print in my policy.

Everyday things depress me. I always hit bottom when I`m at an airport and my plane is two hours late and an agent announces over the loudspeaker, "The plane for Flight 234 to Boston has just landed." What it means is the agent was not telling the truth when I discover Flight 234 is still waiting in Houston to take off.

Like most people, I get depressed when a person yells at me. If it is someone in the family, I go to my room, lock my door and refuse to come out - a habit I picked up as a child.

If it`s a stranger, I walk away and say to myself, "I don`t know him. Why is he yelling at me?"

I become depressed at weddings. As the couple takes their vows, I wonder how long the marriage will last and whether I should have gone to Home Depot instead of Tiffany`s for a gift.

Mike Wallace, Bill Styron and I all had depressions at about the same time. We lecture about it and call ourselves "The Blues Brothers." We are no longer in denial, and when someone in a doctor`s office keeps us waiting for two hours, we don`t jump out the window.

(Tribune Media Services)